Thursday, 11 October 2012

Why I Will Never Live In Melrose Place

If the five season of Melrose Place I have absorbed over the past months are indicative of the Los Angeles neighbourhood, then I won't be moving there in a hurry (although there's always a chance you'll hook up with a hunky local).

Some time ago, Living channel (before it became SkyLiving) showed three seasons of Melrose Place. Just as I was hooked it appeared they hadn't bought any additional seasons and just started showing it from season one again. Despite me having a tenuous link via a friend to the head of the channel and feebly imploring she ask them to buy more seasons, they didn't.

Then delicious temptation reared it's ugly head when I stumbled upon seasons one through to five on iTunes. I don't get out much, they were cheap and now I am an addict. I watch from between my fingers, my stomach churning at the absurd story-lines, generic acting, bad 90's hair and clothes, despite having a fashion designer among the characters.

So be warned. If you move to Melrose Place, it seems the following could happen to you:

Move In One Apartment, Move Out, Then Back in a Different Apartment
Billy was roomates with Alison, then Jake. Jake then lived with Jo, then she lived with him. Alison bunked in with Jane. Sydney has slept on everyone's floor and in their spare rooms.

Be Murdered By A Doctor at the Wilshire Memorial Hospital
In a mad moment, you can drug a patient, nearly cut them open, be imprisoned for said crime, be acquitted and back on the job by season three. No wonder Obama wants to introduce healthcare reforms!

Work At D&D or Shooters Bar
There seems to be only one advertising agency in town and one bar worth working for, although by season four we find out that D&D is 'small' hmmm and Shooters doesn't turn a profit. Also, waiters and bar tenders can pay their fancy Melrose rent from their tips and put themselves through medical school, so it seems.

Temporarily Lose the Use of Your Legs
Or go blind, or develop multiple personalities. You can even have a terrible car crash and go back to your doctor's job at the hospital within weeks. In true Hollywood style, it's only ever temporary, god forbid beautiful people should go around in wheelchairs.

Discover You Have Treacherous Parents
LA is a haven for lost souls. It seems that everyone is running away from their parents. You may find out your folks are typically in denial about your sexuality, choice of husband or career, or discover you were abused but forgot about it, only to remember just before your wedding day.

Hook Up With Jake Hansen 
A unique chance to sleep with a silent, broody stud with his own theme tune (an obligatory sexy saxophone refrain). He's a sure thing if the series is anything to go by. Hang on, just booking a flight to LA.....I forgot about this perk.

Get Married After Three Dates
If you're single, looking to get married and can survive the danger of murderous, plotting neighbours then get your butt to Los Angeles. Everyone seems to fall in love after three dates. One dastardly doctor proposed after three dates and although Jo said no, she went to Bosnia with him to live.

Crash Your Car
In a city where no one walks, the odds are you may have a fender bender. In Melrose it's not just clipping the bumper, you'll be in danger of a full on collision with a truck or tanker being left in a coma,   with amnesia or dead.

Have Amnesia
Handy if you've proposed to a mad, sofa-burning, woman with multiple personalities. Although that doesn't stop you from renewing your vows a few episodes later.

Discover Secret Time Warp Portals of LA
You can get from Melrose to the beach in what seems like minutes. For normal, ugly people with rubbish cars, it would take nearly an hour with traffic.

Slash, smash or burn
If you value your possessions don't move to Melrose Place. Someone will destroy them.

Break Up Billy & Alison
Except you'll never do it. No matter how many sparkly eyed lovers cross their paths, they are destined for each other. There should be a plaque on the wall.

Be Unfaithful
I'm sure that even Southfork didn't have this much bed-hopping.

Never Find An Apartment Block at That Address With A Pool
Even if you wanted to move to Melrose Place, the block doesn't exist.

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